Shopstuck
by TheParadoxicalOtaku
Summary: What happened if the trolls opened shops? Chaos, mayhem, you know the usual? Well then, I beckon you in and welcome all, crazy or not. OOC? CRACK? AU? Pshh, duh! Picture, no mine. Characters, also no mine. -Cries waterfall of maybe a little more than ironic tears-


-Holy music plays from above as the author descends from the heavens- Hiya guys, apologies for lack of updates, I got lazy. :::;D And I had examinations, which led to me being banned from the computer for a while… Oh I got distracted by Maplestory too… Poor reasons, I'll admit and questions raised as to why I'm not actually keeping my promise as to my Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn! and the two other fan fics I promised. Pshhh, they'll come around. Eventually. Yeah, now we move along~ HOMESTUCK, TOTAL OOC-NESS. CRACK ALMOST CERTAINLY GUARANTEED BY THE CRAZY AUTHORESS HERSELF. Homestuck in da' house my homies! Peace out! **NO CLAIM, CAN'T BE BLAMED, NOT HUSSIE, NO LIFE. **_-Salutes and marches off-_

* * *

Shopstuck! (Because yes.)

* * *

Gamtea [This shop actually exists. Don't own!]

"Huh, why is there only one flavour of bubble tea at this stall?"

"It's a miracle, that's why. Want to try a cup? It'll change your life!"

"Uhm, well then, what is this flavour anyway? Is it nice?"

"It's miraculous sopor slime, harvested from the sources that I'm not allowed to quote. So do you want to try some, my miraculous man?"

"O-oh... It's okay, I think I'll go somewhere else to buy my bubble tea... Thank you though."

"No wait, we have different toppings! Even if they are all made from different strains of sopor."

The customer ran a mile in the opposite direction.

His shop had to be closed down due to the violation of several health laws as well as due to the poor and almost non-existent sales that his little stall was getting.

"They just don't get how miraculous all these miracles are, man."

* * *

Tavrolls

"Uhh, come and get some freshly baked Swiss rolls...?"

"They're really delicious, I think..." His voice grew softer than before.

Nevertheless, the delicious aroma of those freshly cooked Swiss rolls wafted through the air and drew the attention of people who were passing by.

Customers were soon arriving in droves and the popularity of his shop grew by so much that he needed to hire his friends to come over and help out to fend off the cult and fans his Swiss rolls had created.

"Uhh, I don't think introducing uhh, sopor slime into my Swiss rolls will be uhh, very popular..." His voice was but a mere whisper as he tried to explain to his friend why that particular plan wouldn't work out very well.

"MUST HAVE MORE DELICIOUS SWISS ROLLS!" The glass door was continually pounded on as rabid customers hungered for their daily dose of yummy Swiss rolls.

"So you're saying I should have asked you before I poured my latest batch into your Swiss roll mixture?"

"Uhhhhh, Gamzee..."

* * *

Trickzi

Whenever one even stepped a single toe into the shop located just around the corner, surrounded by the usual peppy looking salons and eateries one might spot in a more uptown area of the town, they were more or less bombarded by a multitude of traps and tricks.

Shrieks filled the air as the occasional rubber spider ran down the shirt of the fainthearted, feathers flew into their face and gag cushions were set off, creating quite the ruckus within the little shop.

They quickly beat a hasty retreat out of the store as a lady donning a pair of red-tinted glasses cackled madly behind the counter and mentally bade them farewell.

The shop's notoriety grew, rumors spreading like wildfire that the shop was cursed with a crazy witch within the little town and eventually, up came a lone challenger who was prepared to face the madness within.

He swiftly dodged past all the traps that had been set, leaving utter destruction in his wake and that one lone lady had been completely silent throughout the entire fiasco.

"A very good day to you Miss. May I have the privilege of purchasing something from this humble shop of yours?"

"I like your character! You taste awfully wonderful too. Well, what will it be?"

"A pair of trick shades, they're for a friend."

"Thank you for your patronage! Return sometime soon! Haha!"

The transaction was completed and the person slipped out of the store.

[Guess who? ;PP]

* * *

Karcakes

"Hey what's the meaning of this? I thought I had placed an order for a vanilla shortcake, not this green tea cream cake!"

"WELL THEN, THAT'S REALLY JUST TOO BAD FOR YOU ISN'T IT?"

"Is this how you treat one of your customers? How disgraceful!"

"OH SHUT UP AND JUST SUCK IT UP, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING IN AFRICA, YOU KNOW!"

"Why you!"

A violent tussle broke out within the shop as the two wrestled with one another on the floor. Cakes were thrown, plates were flung about, pictures snapped by amused patrons of the shop and curious passers-by staring blatantly through the clear glass windows at the mess currently being created by two people going all out on the shop floor with ruined cakes around them.

In the end, the police had to be called in to break up the two silly cake-smothered people who were crossing their hands in indignation and trying to push the blame on to the other.

In the meantime, as the police officers took their statements at the station, they attempted several times to break free from their restraints to continue violently throttling each other. To say that their attempts were in vain would be a bold understatement but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Also, as to why the officers didn't have the hindsight to place them separately was highly debatable.

* * *

Cafeya

"A very good afternoon to the both of you."

She then gracefully took their coats off their hands and hung them on a coat hanger placed strategically beside the front entrance which resembled the olden days, with intricate carvings of roses on the wood-frame.

"Right this way please. Today's specials include a pot of freshly brewed rose tea imported from the outskirts of England which is best suited to be accompanied by a slice of freshly baked mango chiffon cake."

She looked at their rather stunned expressions for a moment before continuing on, "However if that is not to your liking then might I suggest sitting down with a soothing cup of chamomile tea as well as some light pastries such as scones, brownies, macaroons or muffins?"

"I assure you, our standard here is nothing less than those of Michelin Five Star Restaurants and even comparable to eating food of the gods..."

The pair could only nod dumbly as their eyes darted about the artfully decorated green wallpaper and fancy music floated about in a wispy manner in the background, giving the place a taste of elegance.

Hadn't they walked into an ordinary, everyday cafe and not some sort of high-class restaurant?

Apparently, they were sorely mistaken.

* * *

Soullux

Flashing strobe lights and a dizzying mixture of red and blue lights intermingling occasionally to form a violent shade of neon purple to shine down upon the customers moving to the beat were the usual at Soullux's.

A professional DJ had been hired to floor the customers with some sick beats created by himself and the throb of dancers attempting to gyrate their hips to the crazy songs were truly a sight to behold.

"Told you KK, thith wath a better idea than opening up a thilly gaming cafe like what you thuggethed or a cake thop that got you in tho much trouble the other day."

"YEAH, YEAH SAVE IT FOR LATER, YOU -."

"What may I get you ladieth? A thot of vodka or perhapth a Bloody Mary might thuit the tathteth of you two beautiful young women?" Sollux cut off Karkat's rant midway to turn and attend to some customers.

Karkat only managed to splutter indignantly at his best friend's treatment towards him.

The two barely out of their teens and not quite young ladies tittered giddily to one another as they placed their orders with the suave young man, lisp ignored, wearing an eye-catching pair of red-blue lens shades who made their drinks unhurriedly and served it up to them with an even more alluring smile.

This was the best club ever! They had to come by more often!

* * *

Skaradia

"Only those who had experience with this before may join me on this dangerous mission. Some shall not even return alive. Are you all still up for it? The rewards however are bountiful and this will change your life forever." The robot stood at the front of the class, beeping and letting loose the occasional ribbit much to the amusement of the slightly more than terrified children.

The small group of children were standing there, knees shaking and eyes sparkling with unshod tears as they listened to the pretty lady robot give out a safety briefing about skating and how likely death, failure and large heapings of doom was imminent for them.

Then the gates broke open with a giant 'crash' and the center was overwhelmed by the loud wails of the kids.

Their parents burst in, an angry mob all with equally disapproving looks on their faces as they herded their children into comforting arms.

"Oh come on! It was all just a silly little joke!" The supervisor tried placating them but they were not be placated and stormed out, weeping children in tow.

They vanished out the set of double glass doors as the lady tweaked a little of the settings in the robot to soften her speech format before plopping back down on the bench in her office and awaiting the next batch of students to arrive, the robot still ribbiting and beeping by her side.

* * *

Fefishes

"Good morning my sweets! I trust that your sleep all went swimmingly last night?" The young girl trilled happily as she tossed in the appropriate food into each of the glass tanks.

The fish stared blankly at her for a couple of seconds and then went to snap hungrily at the food floating or sinking down into the bottom of the tanks.

"Well, I hope that you're all ready to meet the next wave of customers later!"

The fish stared dully at the easily excitable girl in the middle of the room, surrounded by gigantic glass tanks.

The very same girl who was now spinning about happily and twirling her double sided, three pronged trident that was her heirloom.

It was also now her highly recognizable mascot by all those who were regular visitors to her perky little aquarium.

Well that and the fact that she was just too cheerful to be annoyed at and scared of, fish and sea based puns notwithstanding.

Her aqua green and blue skirt swirled at her ankles as she continued to spin wildly.

* * *

Eriwands

"Hey dude, you got like any of those Harry Potter books, movies or thingamabobs?"

"No." This simple word was punctuated with a harsh glare.

"Oh woah, chill man, I was just asking. Well then, see ya round I suppose."

The "man" was looking frostily around his shop and wondering how in the name of Neptune had this ever been a good idea in the first place.

Such incompetent morons would never be able to comprehend the complexities of white science that required years of study and not magic as it was usually mistaken for by the general public.

The problem had been worsened tenfold when those Harry Potter books were written and converted into movies that had become such a worldwide phenomenon since then. The horror!

[No offense to those potterheads, I love Harry Potter myself.]

"Mommy, mommy look! It's a wand store! Can we go inside and see the pretty wands?"

"No sweetie, look at that weird man that's in charge of the store, come on let's go dearie."

The hippie-styled man could barely restrain his palm from making contact with his face as he cursed once more the day this idea had flooded his mind.

He swore that if the next person came in and so much as mentioned the You-Know-What, he was going to murder him.

* * *

Equines

"Get on with it already!" The small child perched upon the horse declared imperiously to his minder below him.

"Don't tell me what to do you insolent little brat!" The nervous young man snapped back as the horse rolled its eyes back to eye him apprehensively.

The shades slipped down his face a little as he started to break out in a cold sweat.

'He would not rise to the little boy's pathetic attempts at insulting him. He would not...'

He slapped the horse's rump a little too forcefully and it broke away in a mad gallop away from the maniac that had dared to lay his hand on its bottom, hooves kicking up quite the dust storm in its path.

"Don't call me a-! AHHHHHHHH! SAVEEEE MEEE! STOP THIS LUNATIC OF A HORSE! I WANT MY MOMMY!"

The man stood there and sweated even harder than earlier on, before snapping into action, retrieving his bow and arrows and taking careful aim, planning to shoot the horse and stop it.

He missed. Terribly. Of course.

In addition, the bow snapped under his trembling clenched fist. TOO STRONG!

"MOMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!" The little boy's voice was becoming even more distant by now as the horse galloped away poetically into the sunset.

* * *

Nepurrta

A cacophony of noise consisting of birds screeching, cats yowling, dogs barking, all combined and going on at full power, deafening all who walked past the shop and witnessed the chaos going on inside.

One peaceful-looking girl was slouched over and dangling a light green piece of ribbon over the nose of a little cream kitten who was batting desperately at it and mewing pitifully as it missed for the umpteenth time.

Her lab-coat fluttered behind her as she picked the kitten up and nuzzled it.

"Erm, hello there? May I inquire about the price of a kitten if that's no trouble?"

"No! Not my precious!"

Claws were immediately unsheathed and the prospective client fled from the store in a jiffy.

'Why open a pet shop if you're not actually intending to sell a single one of your animals?' He sweat-dropped and entered a different store instead.

She stashed away her claws and resumed her childish play with the kitten, a content smile on her lips.

Of course, her shop would have closed down if not for funding by an anonymous donor who regularly donated large sums of money.

* * *

Freezka

A gaggle of giggling school children were crowding around the smirking bespectacled female as she advised the children on what to get.

"Weeeeeeeell, I suppose that you coooooooould always try the Manipulator ice-cream. It's oooooooone of my specialties and it tastes spectacular like nothing yoooooooou have ever tasted before!"

Taking her advice, they eagerly clamored for their very own Manipulator treat before clutching at their heads with almost the same level of enthusiasm displayed during their ice-cream scramble before.

'And this is why I love my job so much. Messing with children is soooooooo much fun!'

Her smile got even wider as she chased away this batch of screaming children and eagerly anticipated the next batch of children which she could inflict pain on.

'I have got to expand my reach, just like Betty Crocker!' She smirked.

"Uhh, Miss, could I have a Strawberry Sorbet?"

"No! Try The Manipulator instead!"

"Okay..?"

* * *

And that's a wrap! I'm so sorry, all little children of the world! For torturing the whole bunch of you. Yes, update! Happy dances all round! And so, back to mapling I guess? And in addition, the next batch of updates will come round maybe, ten years later? /stabbed REVIEW OR I WILL USE MY COUSIN'S NOT-SO-CRAPPY KATANA TO COME AFTER YOU. BACK TO STONING AND STARING AIMLESSLY AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN.


End file.
